There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
When can I start eating bats again.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.