There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth