There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You Might Also Like
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.