There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
This is hilarious….
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.