“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Whisper out to librarians!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.