“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*