There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name