Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.