There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them