Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron