I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him