There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.