if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation