@Steelers1972: There's no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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@BoogTweets: (Creating Atheists) God: Make some humans Sciencey Angel: Will they believe in you? God: No, but they'll be so surprised when we meet!
@El_nacho_Nigre: Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"
@Abusitron: As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
@Henry_3k: You say I'm handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven't had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.