There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
You Might Also Like
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist