There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.