There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
(Jupiter –
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.