never forget
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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
😜
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.