@o__0Dev: There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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@beefman138: I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine. 299 of them are Nestlé.
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"
@clindsaysway: Meant to say, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you." What came out: "I'm available anytime"
@jctwritesstuff: *watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.