There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Autocarrot sucks!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
181.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.