Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
You Might Also Like
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
choose your gary
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.