@AllanCresswell: There's no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
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@lisaxy424: [someone breaks into the house] Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
@platinum2000: [Confessional Booth] Me: I can't do anything right. Priest: Please get off of my lap.
@EtobicokeErnie: Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes