There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby