There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do