*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.