Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Legend 🤣🤣
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
nyc:
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment