GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?