@Thee_Mikey_B: There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.
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@thinkcomedy: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@INandONyourMIND: I tell my daughter she has no idea how lucky she is. When I was 12, I had to use a pay phone and walk 10 miles in the snow to get weed
@DancesWithTamis: The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz ME: WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone ME: WIFE: 3½ kilos ME: WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer ME: Oh cool