there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.