There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.