[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?