For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Bringing home a sharpie
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.