35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.