There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My Guy
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.