There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
i’m sure it’s fine
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.