There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!