Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”