@just1fool: There's nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she'll sleep with you unless it works because then you're a genius.
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@Sickayduh: "Happy birthday! " - Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait... Did you get me a fake diamond? "Well, it's not really your 29th birthday either"
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
@WilliamAder: "Grammies" is a shortening of "gramophones." Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) "Phonies."