My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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These are my roll models.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.