There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
You Might Also Like
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion