@daddydoubts: There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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@Reel2Dialog2: [playing poker] "I'm all in" *slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
@kathbarbadoro: Me: IDK why I'm so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life My friends: The moon is weird right now Me: Yeah nevermind it's definitely because the moon is weird right now
@craigrachel: The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend