@daddydoubts: There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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@NicCageMatch: Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: he's cute, how old is he? Guy: 25 months Me: first kid? Guy: yeah, how'd you know? Me: because you didn't say "he's 2"
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies