There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday