@Sean_Burgundy_: There's nothing worse than when you tell someone it's a long story and they reply with "I have time."
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@Sickayduh: Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces
@yerpalmildsauce: Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"
@claire_mudie: If by "flexible" you mean "can I get my foot behind my head?" then yes, I am. If you mean "can I get my foot back down?" then no, I am not.
@jazmasta: [Walks into steam room at gym] "good morning my.." "Dave no!" "my est.." "Please Dave no.." "..My eSTEAMed colleagues" "Everyone hates you"