Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.