‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
What even happened today?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind