*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.