There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You Might Also Like
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
The best shot in the history of golf
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
no their not
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
This could be us but you eatin’
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Breaking news:
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face