There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…