There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle