The days of good grammer has went
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver鈥檚 license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don鈥檛 know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t鈥檚 started hurting.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 馃檨
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter鈥檚 room]: Yo, turns out grandma鈥檚 heart is weak af.
I take back everything bad I鈥檝e ever said about the Welsh
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.