There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.