there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Saint West, the patron of selfies
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.