There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ok like just. call me at this point
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.