thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
This is my favorite one of these!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.