These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]