These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Snapes on a plane.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.